What if it’s all true? What if what they tell me, that the stone foundation is crumbling, that it was never strong enough to begin with, what if that’s the most honest thing any one has ever said? How do I believe you, how do I find a truth in what you’re saying that’s more faithful and more humane than that? If I’ve led those I care about into a dangerously precarious structure of half-accomplished goals and broken aspirations, do I deserve anything less than condemnation? Everything I have is built on the knowledge that, at heart, I can never ever be good enough. There’s no way to replace every stone I’m built of, every stone I stand on. If you re-pour the foundation the stones can’t soak anything in, can’t weep, can’t be reached. Then what? I could be stood upon, but only with several feet of hardened dust between you and me. That’s not the support you want, and I know that. There is a place of calm, cold acceptance in my head, and it’s not safe there for you. Please stay away. If you look long enough into this void, I may never know what part of you I destroy. It’s not a place for visitors; it’s the only place I have to recover when I ask myself, who did I hurt today? What harm have I done? In the calm after the destruction, I can only ask myself and listen for the void to answer.
07.01.2009
Hello. I’m Z. I tell stories.
This one is from my old blog. I thought it would be a good way of introducing myself.
Most of the stories I tell are true, in their own way. I bend the truth, I alter places and times and situations, but the truth is still there somewhere.
If you’re visiting from another site that I know you from, I would appreciate it if you’d post your twitter site, blog site, or social networking ID as your website link.
…and, most importantly, tell me what you’re thinking.
Cheers,
– Z
OH! i adore this piece, it resonates stillness, acceptance of chaos, the Calm… the honesty and reflection, wholeness and brokenness, PRESENCE. i think it’s one of my favourite things ever written in some ways~truly. aaaannnnnddddd~ i am SO Happy that you will be sharing again, i ‘ve missed you so. Many Blessings! Much love!! and Mad Respect! ~;} ~<3~*
I have missed you, and I love the idea of reading you again.
-Rebecca
Nicely done, Z…
And a cool, insightful piece to choose as an introduction – that, what, also serves as a disclaimer of sorts?
Glad to see you off MySpace and out on your own. I will, as always, be watching with interest!
Nick!
Thanks very much, everyone, for showing up. I had the sneaking suspicion I’d be starting the day off to deafening silence.
@Rebecca — I would have been terribly sad if you hadn’t shown up, lovely. I’m fortunate to have you around. I’ll be posting something new later today.
@Safranna — My constant cheerleader. How could I post here without you?
@Nick — NICK! HA! A disclaimer, yes, probably. It was originally an exercise suggested by my very good friend Ted Brandt (@ten_bandits on Twitter). He suggested “describe a place of calm, 250 words”. … He has a terrific sketching blog at tenbandits.wordpress.com
You always make my soul twitch. Sometimes in the good way, sometimes in the bad, wtf just happened, way. But these are good things.
i remember reading this piece before and being caught up in the mood of it – it feels like meditating. i really like the clean simple design of the new site – seems a perfect setting for your writing; myspace is definitely getting a bit over noisy. will be following with interest.
paul (musehick)
@James — JAMES! … Good to have you here.
Folks, this guy is one of the regulars at what I think of as the local bar on the internet. The majority of those guys tolerate my hobby as an eccentricity, but I can always count on James for a honest opinion.
James plays music over on myspace at myspace.com/jamesmacfadzean
@Paul — Hey man, thanks for making your way over here. The site, this setting, is entirely the work of Tristan Henry-Wilson, over at thewhiteleaf.com
He’ll also be illustrating some of these stories, as part of a project we’re working on. This is our collaboration, but I cannot take any credit for how this website turned out. Every ounce of the blood, sweat and tears put into its construction was his. I am humbled and grateful to be working with such a dedicated artist.
I look forward to the words that will grace these pages.
I’m so glad to see you, Z. I missed the serenity and inspiration that your words brought back to my lonely brain.
Hello, lovely. I missed all of you too. Unfortunately the real world required more of my attention than I could spare, and something had to give.
I think this new space will be a better place for conversations. Its good to hear from you again.
Been following you on mysponge for ages, glad you’ve moved beyond it. Don’t think I ever left you a comment on there.
Good fortune for the future with your own site, I’ll be following, reading, and commenting now and again.
PS The Void is fantastic.
Ah crap, I meant Void, not The Void.
@Ben
I’m very flattered, thank you, and I appreciate the comment. Feel free to leave one any time, positive or negative.
The designer of this site left a handy RSS button at the bottom of the page, if that helps folks at all.
What an excellent idea! I’m also annoyed at MySpace, and Facebook is, if anything, much worse. It’s great to read your work without stuff flashing on the borders of the screen, yelling “Buy me! Click me!”
Excellent piece. I loved the stark, brutal honesty of it. I’m looking forward to reading more of these short, sharp shocks.
i miss you . where are you? *hugs*
ugh. i read this differently today than ever before ~;/ fuck. lol
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